Allies: Stand Up

As a sex therapist and queer ally I’ve had many tough conversations in recent weeks, and most people I speak to are terrified. I know many beautiful and amazing people who fear being put in internment camps because of their gender identity. I know many people who are losing access to essential mental and physical health care because it also happens to affirm their internal sense of self. Unfortunately our government is no longer comfortable affirming us unless we fit into a couple of small boxes that feel safest to them. The environment is dark indeed.

Tyrants rule by fear, and if we change our behavior out of fear of what might happen, the tyrants win by default. As allies we have positions of power and we cannot give in to fear. It’s time to stand up. So many of the people in my circles are understandably afraid, but I am not afraid. I’m angry. I’m angry for all the beautiful, expansive, courageous, and deserving people I know whose identities my government is trying to erase. Haven’t we been here before? Have we not learned? Many of my friends cannot yet tap into their anger because they are constantly afraid of being erased, so as allies it is our job to carry this anger and make it actionable. We cannot allow the erasure of our LGBTQIA2S communities.

Historically, erasure has started with propaganda. With the systematic dehumanization of groups through the use of language. This is already in progress. Government websites are now using the term “gender ideology” to describe identity. They have erased the T in LGBTQ. The war of words is well under way, and we can’t let them win.

Identity is an internal sense of self that contributes to personality, self expression, self worth, safety, and belonging. We all have identities. Gender identity is just one form. To call it “ideology” is to trivialize it. It is to say that if we don’t think the same way as they do, then we don’t deserve self expression or safety or belonging. They use this terminology to turn it into something black and white, when this like so many other parts of life is a gray area. They do this under the guise of “biological reality.” They do not realize that biological sex comes from a combination of chromosomes, hormones, and genitals. They are not aware that even the “biological reality” they claim to support is so much more expansive than they care to acknowledge. Clearly they have never knowingly met an intersex person.

They fear acknowledging the expansive nature of identity because it would highlight the narrow simplicity of their own self-concepts, and it would be too challenging to the tenuous power structures to which they cling. Rather than engage in a discourse around the many complex layers of identity, they seek to erase it, like they have sought to erase so many other communities throughout history.

As allies we must continue to have an open discourse around identity. We must invite this discourse around us frequently. We must not allow the T to get lost. We must refuse to give in to their limits on our speech. We must exercise our freedom to speak about gender identity, and diversity, equity, and inclusion, and we must continue to remind the world of all the communities who came before us who were erased or nearly erased. If we don’t speak out. If we don’t fight this war of words, we risk allowing history to repeat itself.

To all my trans and gender expansive friends and family and colleagues known and unknown to me:

You are seen.

You are loved.

You are beautiful.

 You are important. Your allies are here for you and we will fight. We see you and we see what is happening, and we will not let you be erased. I will always be a safe space for you, and the spaces I occupy will always be safe spaces for you. I know many other allies who feel the same. When life feels dark, remember that we are all connected, and we are here for you, and we will keep fighting in big and small ways until the world is safe for you.